SYNOPSIS

In the manuscript prologue and first chapter, we meet Rabbit and his mates Ozone and Jacko who are on their way from Fremantle to Rottnest Island by ferry. Travelling separately by plane to the same destination are Sharron and her friends Donna and Wendy. It is implied that the groups will eventually meet and judging by the rapport between the friends we can surmise this holiday will be no easy day on the beach.

STRENGTHS

Narrated in the third person, we gain access to Rabbit’s thoughts and feelings in the very first sentence. We encounter him during a violent storm witnessed from his “dumbass rocket ship doona” covered bed. It is a lively introduction that immediately sets the scene as it introduces the characters; “way up on the hill the high voltage power lines buzzed louder than Jacko’s pissy amp. Either Godzilla needed them for jump rope practice or that storm was cranking up big time.”

The style is immediate and flamboyant and there are some metaphorical gems that create vivid mental images for the reader. The register is intimate and colloquial and while the language is not that challenging some of the imagery and concepts are. It is quite sophisticated in the way it subtly addresses issues like divorce, eating disorders and indigenous and political issues. The tone is world-weary, smart-assed and cynical which should appeal to the target audience, (both male and female). It has that much required gross-out factor and crude humour, notably the masturbation scene at the end of the prologue which nicely bookends the rocket ship imagery of the opening paragraph: “Hoo-boy. Much more of this tugging business and he’d be blasting rocket ships to the moon.”

WEAKNESSES

In its present form, the appeal to the target audience may be reduced by the book’s structure. The abrupt jumps between the actions of Rabbit and his camp and those of the girls have a confusing effect. These transitions need to be smoother and introduced more clearly. More importantly, they don’t really start with a ‘hook’ or end on a cliffhanger or question to encourage the reader to read on. The story has a cracking good opening (literally) and while there are dramatic possibilities in the implied tension between the characters there is a lack of dramatic tension or emotional mood propelling the story along. Perhaps what needs to be conveyed is the sense that the physical journey the characters take will parallel an emotional journey along with everything this entails – a series of crisis and turning points, resulting in a climax and a resolution.

There could also be more differentiation between the characters personalities, mannerisms and dialogue. What highlights this issue is that we are not given any sense of the physicality of the characters, which makes it hard to distinguish them.

We learn Ozone is Aboriginal but what does he, or Rabbit or Sharron for that matter look or sound like? Likewise, we are told that the setting is Perth, WA but the language rarely employs the senses or evokes the atmosphere of the climate and setting.

The author is clearly a writer of dialogue as it is full of life and energy, claiming the reader’s attention and setting the story in motion from the outset. However, the author needs to balance the dialogue with the narrative and determine what information is best provided by dialogue and what is best given through narration. At times I found it difficult to distinguish who was speaking particularly where there are pages of dialogue that don’t connect the dialogue with the character’s voice. The author needs to ask what the purpose of each conversational exchange is, and remove anything superfluous or that threatens the narrative’s coherence.

The writing has some powerful moments but the author tends to show off with verbal tricks and figurative language that does not always achieve clarity of meaning. Similarly, there are many popular culture references that detract from the narrative’s trajectory. For example on page 4, “Sharron Harris sat through what Pulp Fiction had called an uncomfortable silence.” In a similar vain popular song lyrics from David Bowie and Oasis serve as chapter headings that very loosely evoke the subtext, but written in the 1970s and mid-90s, would they be recognisable today to the target audience? In general, the author has a handle on what makes kids tick – they don’t need to try so hard here.

The sexual content is certainly advanced which could make it popular with teens, but I wonder if some of the language and sexual connotation is suitable for young adults and might even implicate sales, particularly to the larger bookstores and schools? Are references to “herpes”, “retards”, “buckets of spew” and “wet tee shirt contests” really that necessary? Moreover, the mental images of Ozone breathing “heavier than a sex worker” and Jacko as “Forest Gump with a hard-on”, seem excessive and inappropriate. Are kids really this crass and sex obsessed? And even if they are, they would use the vernacular of their generation, so “ho” instead of “sex worker”. Regardless, I’m not convinced kids talk like this and we need to be wary of sounding insincere or patronising.

RECOMMENDATION

While I believe the target audience aged fifteen upwards will find the ms persuasive, in its present stage I do not think it is publishable. It requires significant work on the structure and the sexual connotation. The slang also needs to be toned down as this may compromise sales and the potential to appear on school syllabuses. From my experience, the larger bookstores have little interest in stocking anything too risqué, given that this market is flooded with so many titles.

Nevertheless, I would be interested in reading another draft if the author is amenable to addressing the issues outlined above. Following this, the book, coupled with a copy edit, a strategic marketing campaign and aggressive pricing could achieve considerable success.